I remember a little over a year ago when our friend Anne was telling us how she felt after her daughter Sophie was born. She said that as she left the hospital, she couldn’t believe that everyone was acting so normal. She had just had this gorgeous baby girl, and her life was changed forever. Why couldn’t people see that, and act accordingly?
I thought of those comments when we left Kaiser Hospital in Oakland after Trinity was born. As we walked out with tiny Trinny in her car seat carrier, I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. I also couldn’t understand why no one around us seemed to react. The gardener continued gardening, the two staff members continued smoking and gossiping in the corner, the other patients continued on their way into the hospital. People noticed us, but didn’t seem to realize that we had HAD A BABY, that I had GIVEN BIRTH and that the world was hugely different from now on.
I felt this way again a few months ago when I went to our grocery store, Commercial Mexicana, to buy Trinny’s medications after her febrile seizure. I hadn’t gotten any sleep at all (although Trinny had) and I was a bit of a mess. I kept looking around and hating everyone who had a smile on his or her face or seemed to be laughing. How could people be so happy when my baby was so sick last night? Couldn’t they see this was a moment for sympathy and quiet?
Today I feel it again, this time on behalf of Norma and her family whose lives have been irreversibly changed by the sudden death of her son Jose. Every time I do something that should be normal – watch TV, do yoga, laugh and play with Trinity – I feel like I’m doing something wrong. No one should be normal and happy when this unexplained loss has just occurred. I can only imagine what Norma and her family are feeling. The only consolation I have is knowing that with time, everyone will adjust to this change too, and things will eventually feel somewhat normal again.
Comments
I was beginning to feel sorry for myself after having dropped Jen off at the airport this morning, then i read your blog and told myself to stop being selfish.
Thanks Bev for helping me find a context to express my own grief. It's important to remember that this part of the pendulum.
Mal, survivor's guilt and selfishness are the theme of the day. I think I can speak for Bev in confessing that we've both caught ourselves being frustrated that we don't have Norma and Yadira around to help with our house. As soon as the thought enters our mind, the next thought is complete guilt over thinking about something as insignificant as dirty floors when Norma and her family are going through such grief.
Your selfishness for Jen is just proof that you have things in your life worth living for, things to be grateful for. Jose had many wonderful people in his life; evidenced by the profound grief so many of us feel.
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